This year has been a good one overall, but
one that ended with the death of my grandfather, age 93. As I wrote the eulogy
for his funeral I had to consider his long life, but also all the places he had
been, people he touched, and accomplishments he accrued. He had a very good
life in all respects. He lived a long and healthy life, had a long and happy
marriage, had 4 kids that all did pretty well for themselves, had a successful
business, was a productive and giving member of the community and generally was
loved by all who knew him.
About ten years ago I was taking a class in university, I
believe it was on Greek history. At the time the instructor had us reading
passages and one such passage had a father describing the death of his son in
battle. It was described as, “a good death”. Prior to that the idea of a good
death had never really occurred to me, probably I was just too young to think
about that. More and more since then I have considered what it is to have a
good life, to have a good death and how those two things are related.
Essentially, I have boiled a good life down to one in which
you gain the most utility for the least input. In other words, one in which you
gain pleasure without expending much energy on your own. That sounds really
hedonistic and in some ways it is, but it is actually much more mundane than
that because it forces you to consider a lot of long term impacts your current
decisions might have. Its also a bit liberating because you realize that a lot
of the time what you do will have no impact on your success or failure. This
frees you to do things as you like, wear what you like, say what you like most
of the time and probably best of all to realize that you have no obligation to
care about things that are fleeting. It
boils down to making sure that you and your loved ones are best taken care of
and I think it also leads to a lot more meaningful lives and interactions
rather than a life focused on keeping up with the Joneses or worrying about
others’ judgments. We are who we are, not much will change that so its best to
accept it and just do the best with what we have rather than lamenting what we
don’t have or what we could have done. I guess it will take many more years to
see if that is actually true, but I can’t see how it wouldn’t be. How can being
comfortable in your own skin be wrong?
A good death can have many meanings, but essentially I think
it means a death that is desirable or perhaps one we can be at peace with
knowing. My grandfather’s death was a good one by my standards and the
standards of his community. He lived a long and relatively pain free life, he
spent almost all of his elder years at home with my mother Mary and other
family around him and in the end he died in his bed after showing almost no
signs of pain or concern. I think also a good death involves, for me, the
knowledge that the life I have lead up to it has been a productive one, one
where the utility was maximized not only for me, but for those around me.
Essentially, did I contribute something to the world and did I enjoy doing it?
That might mean helping lots of people, teaching a long time, spending time
with family, traveling more or some other things that I just don’t know yet.
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